How to Handle an Abusive Coworker |Dodging Landmines

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Host: Let's say my co-worker is openly abusive to me, and in, in front of other people. What should I do?

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Guest: Well, the first thing you want to do is get it very clear with yourself. What do you mean by abusive? Well, apply what we call the video camera test. Could you describe the behavior as if you saw it on a TV monitor as to the behavior that's causing you to feel like you're being abused.

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Host: So once I figure out, OK, yes, this is abusive. This is offensive, what do I do next?

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Guest: Well, then you want to bring it to the person, but you want to bring it to the person, first of all, alone. You don't want to do it in front of the group. You want to catch them, pull them aside, and you want to deal with that objective data. So you might say, "Look. When you, you know, in a meeting lean in and point your finger at me and raise your voice, it makes me feel attacked. It makes me feel threatened. It makes me feel defensive. I would like to ask you not to do that or try and watch that." So ask them for their help in changing their own behavior.

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Host: But what if it's someone who's higher up, who's maybe your manager, or someone who, you know, has the power to fire you?

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Guest: Well, in any of these interactions, you're, you're weighing a risk-reward benefit, right? You're basically saying, there's some risk in having the conversation with this person. If I win, if I do it well, I get a reward. If I lose and it goes badly and goes south, there's something bad that happens, and so the risk-reward payoff changes. The approach is the same with senior manager, but the risk-reward thing changes. You have to decide whether it's worth addressing or not.

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Host: When is it appropriate to finally take it to HR?

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Guest: Well, if you've addressed it with the person, if you've had the conversation and said, you know, I'm, I'm asking for this because it makes me feel this way, and it's still not working, you can try it again. If you try it a couple of times with the person and get nowhere, then if you feel strongly about it, then you've got a good reason to go to HR, and say, "Look. I've tried to address this directly, and it hasn't worked."

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Host: In summary.

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Guest: In summary, be clear about what the behavior is. Address the behavior with the person directly one on one all by themselves. Ask for their help in changing their behavior, and make sure it's worth having the discussion.

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==== Transcribed by Automatic Sync Techologies ====