How to Rewrite an Elevator Pitch (Pt. 1)

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  bnetgeo08/05/08 Report as spam
  1

  RE: How to Rewrite an Elevator Pitch (Pt. 1)

  I can't say I'm pleased with either. I agree #1 tries to do too much in a simple pitch. I think #2 misses the mark because I can't picture delivering that to someone I bump into in an elevator...or bar...or whereever. I'ld jump off on the next floor after hearing the first sentence!
  
  I guess I want instant gratification. If I ask, "Hey what do you do?" I want a really direct reply. Rewriting the rewrite, I would say something like...
  
  I???m in the corporate story telling business. ABC Company specializes in helping corporate clients figure out exactly how to tell their story in a way that will compel customers to buy. Human beings ??? you, me, your customers ??? connect better when the message is in story form. If you want your customers to listen, and want what you???re offering, you???ve got to capture them with a story. And we???ve helped clients like Charles Schwab and Warner Bros, increase their lead conversion rate by up to 25 percent with a story we???ve helped them craft. What's your companies story?
  
  The closing sentence for #2 isn't bad, its just not my style. I would like more personal engagement by the listener before closing.

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  tarnow1908/06/08 Report as spam
  2

  RE: How to Rewrite an Elevator Pitch (Pt. 1)

  Version 3 is better still. That final question: "What's your story?" opens the conversation right out without asking for agreement or commitment.
  SAN

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  Jim Domanski08/06/08 Report as spam
  3

  RE: How to Rewrite an Elevator Pitch (Pt. 1)

  Initially, I liked version #2, hands down. But my vote goes for version #3. At some point, I realized that the way we talk and the way we write are often two differnt things. Version #2 is great copy. I see it on a web site or a brochure. But saying it out loud was a challenge. Version #3 seems to make the transition to the way we would really "speak" in an elevator. It s a little more casual and would probably be used by an average sales rep.

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  Geoffrey James, Sales Machine08/06/08 Report as spam
  4

  RE: How to Rewrite an Elevator Pitch (Pt. 1)

  Quote: But my vote goes for version #3.
  
  
  I agree completely. I'm posting an annotated copy of version #3 later today.

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  jon@...08/12/08 Report as spam
  5

  RE: How to Rewrite an Elevator Pitch (Pt. 1)

  what about telling it like a story in this case.
  It seems like the only right ting to do if you are selling storytelling...

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  MusicMeister08/13/08 Report as spam
  6

  RE: How to Rewrite an Elevator Pitch (Pt. 1)

  When asked 'What do you do?' I expect a direct response. Because of that alone, reponse 2 fails the 'socially appropriate response' test. However, it's designed to evoke emotion and thought. In that respect, it's going to be more successful.
  
  It's also why, when you read into the next 2 blog entries that #3 is so popular.
  
  But even #3 can be improved...
  
  In the end though, the elevator speech needs to be changed based on the intended audience. Giving a quick read of the other person can allow for a minor change to the speech to make it more appropriate for the target audience.

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  mroelands12/11/08 Report as spam
  7

  RE: How to Rewrite an Elevator Pitch (Pt. 1)

  #2 is something I expect to read not hear. It is too perky for a conversation.

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  gerold112/12/08 Report as spam
  8

  RE: How to Rewrite an Elevator Pitch (Pt. 1)

  let me try a #4 - I help businesspeople land new clients. Tell me about your business and i will show you concretely, what i could do for you and your company.

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  bobchaif12/12/08 Report as spam
  9

  RE: How to Rewrite an Elevator Pitch (Pt. 1)

  I have been reading the different versions and think that this part of the revised version works as it is short and contains the most content. It could be delivered in one floor.
  "We specialize in helping you figure out exactly how to tell your story in a way that will compel your customers to buy. Clients, like Charles Schwab and Warner Bros, have increased their lead conversion rate by up to 25 percent"
  Then pause.
  
  Bob C

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  Stephen Isienyi02/27/09 Report as spam
  10

  RE: How to Rewrite an Elevator Pitch (Pt. 1)

  Well I would say that the revised elevator sales pitch version may or may not be delivered in its entirety while in an elevator to the next floor depending on how fast the elevator is moving.
  
  However, one thing I noticed is that the revised version peaks the interest of the listener from the get-go, and may compel the listener to want to hear more even if it takes a few more floors to achieve this aim. At the same time, the pitch is moderate in length so as not to become stale upon delivery.

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  thecurvyjeweller10/15/09 Report as spam
  11

  RE: How to Rewrite an Elevator Pitch (Pt. 1)

  #1 the author of version 3 - your version was exactly like Geoffery's, you just mixed it up and added a LITTLE extra here and there. I would like to see what you can do from scratch?