Disagree, Don't Argue

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Music Edward Muzio: Hi. I'm Edward Muzio, CEO of Group Harmonics. And I'm going to tell you how to disagree but don't argue. Have you ever been in utter disbelief at somebody else's interpretation of something? Maybe you and a fellow manager are walking out of a meeting you just attended about company revenue. You get to talking. And next thing you know, you're wondering, did this guy go to the same meeting I went to? It's not uncommon. And if you don't need to agree on anything, it may not be a big deal. But let's say you and this manager have to come to some conclusion on what to tell your shared staff. You need to make sure your disagreement or your different perceptions don't turn into an argument or a situation where you're digging in your heels, getting emotional, and unable to come to resolution. To do that, you need to know something about where that reality came from. This is a model I call the five building blocks of reality. We start over here on the left with number one, information. You just attended a presentation about revenue. There was a presenter, and there was some data. And those two things together make up the objective information that you just saw. Next, over here, is the situation. This is all about context. In other words, who else was in the room, what was the history versus the current data that was presented. Whatever background information that's important goes with the context. Now skip over here to the far right side. Number five, we have beliefs. I'll draw this as a thought bubble. It's really just the contents of your own mind. Maybe you believe your industry is a growth industry and your colleague believes it's a shrinking industry. Those are different beliefs. Those lead to different approaches. Approach is how you think things should be done. Your belief in a growth industry might lead you to take an aggressive approach toward new product releases. Your colleague's belief in shrinking profits might lead to a more conservative approach. Here in the middle where everything comes together we have the interpretation. The interpretation is the answer to the big question, So what? What does it all mean? As you can see, we have "it," the information coming from out there; and we have you, what you brought to the party, in here, coming together in interpretation. How do you use this model to keep your disagreement from becoming an argument? Two simple rules: First, you need to define the need for agreement. This means get very specific about what you need to agree on. You and this other manager need to come to some conclusion as to what to tell your staff. That's all. You don't need to agree on management philosophy or the future of the world. Keep it as narrow and as focused as you can. Second, use the five building blocks of reality to discuss what you're discussing. Be very overt. In other words, you're going to start with information. These are the fact I saw; these are the facts you saw. What else is on the table? We're talking objective facts here. Now let's move into situation. These were the contextual cues that were important to me. I notice this was the history, etc. What did you see? Now move to interpretation. All of this led me to this conclusion. What was your conclusion? If you can, if you can get to your specific need for agreement here, stop here. Don't go any further if you don't have to, if you can get your agreement. If you have to, you can go on. You can move over here to approach and start talking about things like, I seem to be taking a more aggressive approach; you're taking a more conservative approach. How do we reconcile those? You can even go all the way to beliefs. If you do, be careful. It's tough to figure out your own beliefs, much less other people's. But you can try. You can certainly say, I tend to believe we're in a growth industry. What do you believe? And see what you get. It won't get you answer every time. But if you focus on a well-defined need for agreement and you're clear using the model to discuss what your discussing, you'll be more likely to keep your agreement from becoming an argument, more likely to reach the agreement you need.

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