How to Stop Repeating the Same Argument |Dodging Landmines

Music Sydnie Kohara: What do I do, I feel like my co-worker and I have the same argument over and over and over. It's like Groundhog Day. How can I change that? Edward Muzio: So you're in a pattern. You're repeating the same fight over and over again and the problem is that whatever is driving this, it's making it happen repeatedly. So, what you want to do is you want to go in with "why" questions this time. You want to go in and say let me understand why you're taking this position you're taking. What you have to do is you have to break the pattern and by to do that you have to reframe your goal. Your goal is no longer to win; your goal is to understand. Sydnie Kohara: But when you get all caught up in the emotion, how do you stay calm enough during this conversation? Edward Muzio: Well, actually I mean, reframing your goal will help with that because what you're saying is, look I'm not trying to get all hyped-up and win. What I'm trying to say is I have a new goal this time and you can be overt about this. You can say this to the other person. Look, we've had this conversation. You've been here too -- you know, we're living this together. What I'd like to do at this time is I'd like to learn from each other what's driving us to take these positions. Sydnie Kohara: Can a solution be achieved by just one of the party, say, I changed and reframed my goal or do you need both parties to be involved and how do you do that? Edward Muzio: Well, it certainly helps if both parties are taking a role and certainly will help if you are overt about what you're trying to do. You can help encourage the other person to take part in the solution because probably it benefits both of you to solve it. You can do it by yourself, if you're clear with yourself about your goal, if you reframe where you're going, if you spend the energy doing something different to one something new, right. Remember the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result, right? Don't do that. Sydnie Kohara: Now, I know. Edward Muzio: Say, I'm going to get a new -- I'm going to get a new result and spend the effort to learn and understand. You're much more likely not to repeat the pattern. Sydnie Kohara: In summary? Edward Muzio: So, in summary learn all you can. Ask the "why" questions, reframe your goals, understanding and then try and use the new information to break the pattern.

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