What You Need to Know
How can I have a great career and a great relationship—right now?
Of course this is possible—but only if you and your partner are candid about your expectations and can agree how to proceed. Admittedly, balancing work with life in two-career households can be a struggle. It’s important to be willing to re-examine issues if one of you desires or if your work situations change. Work-life balance experts say that you probably won’t be able to have it all at once. If you and your partner are willing to work cooperatively, rather than viewing your careers as competing, you will have a better chance of success in both your personal and professional lives. There is much new research being done on couples who have found ways to benefit from being in a two-career household; in a recent study of dual-earning parents who believe that they successfully balance family life and work life, most considered that their success was helped by a focus on equality and partnership.
I have heard that dual-career divorces are more common than single career divorces. Do I have to sacrifice my marriage for my career?
There are some who assert that marriage falters as dual careers soar. This, in fact, led to a “heated debate” on Forbes.com. Said Michael Noer, presenting one view: “Just, whatever you do, don’t marry a woman with a career. Why? Because if many social scientists are to be believed, you run a higher risk of having a rocky marriage.” Said Elizabeth Corcoran on the other: “I’ve been working since the day I graduated from college 20-odd years ago. I have two grade-school-aged children. Work definitely takes up more than 35 hours a week for me. Thankfully, I do seem to make more than $30,000. All of which, according to Michael, should make me a wretched wife. In spite of those dangerous statistics, my husband and I are about to celebrate our 18th wedding anniversary.” Perhaps the best way to think about this is not in terms of statistics but in terms of specifics: You can make two careers and a marriage work if communication, trust, flexibility, and cooperation are emphasized. Such practices are important in any marriage; they are doubly important for dual-career couples.
It’s not working: what can we do?
Kathy Marshack says on her Web site, “There are rewards and challenges in the dual-career lifestyle. In order to make your marriage the best it can be you must be willing to take the time to talk, to get away for an evening, or take a weekend holiday. After all, your marriage is the center of your family. A strong loving friendship between husband and wife builds a strong healthy family.” But, as a professional counselor, she also believes that “…if professional help is needed, don’t hesitate to see a marriage and family therapist. Often a professional can help you reorganize some priorities and teach you tools of communication that will cut through the conflicts.” This seems like sound advice. If you have a problem at work that calls for an outside expert, you’d hire one. Likewise, if your relationship is suffering, an objective third party can often help you both through a rough spot. Don’t hesitate to try a counselor.
What to Do
Manage Your Life as You Would a Business (Well, almost.)
Making a list of work to be done, assigning responsibility, and following up are natural to you as a businessperson. It’s helpful to do the same in a loving way in your personal life. That doesn’t mean that one of you is the boss!
How you and your partner will spend your time, money, and attention should be clear and agreed upon by both of you. Planning ahead who will take care of a sick child, for example, will minimize disagreements in the future. Schedule time regularly to discuss family and work obligations.
Take Advantage of Technology
Using a home computer can streamline your life. There are calendar, organization, and accounting software packages available to give you the management advantages enjoyed by big business. Online shopping can save time; in many areas of the country you can even order groceries online to be delivered to your home.
Work as Partners in All Aspects of Your Life
Just as a company determines its long-term objectives and mission, work with your partner to determine your relationship’s long-term plan. Having a plan will help the two of you make difficult decisions when an opportunity for one partner involves great sacrifice for the other.
You can only expect your partner to fulfill your needs and your priorities if he or she knows what they are—so communicate!
Know When You Need Professional Help
Companies outsource services that are necessary but beyond their internal capability. If you need help at home, you can hire services that range from cleaning, cooking, and yard maintenance to support services such as bookkeeping and financial planning.
Involve Your Children
There is no reason why dual-career couples with children should shoulder the burden of all the little tasks of living. Give your children age-appropriate responsibilities. Make them partners in your daily activities as well as the beneficiaries of your hard work.
Look after Yourself
You’re also the C.E.O. of your own life. Don’t neglect your own needs while attending to family, work, and partnership obligations. You’re no good to anyone if you aren’t good to yourself.
What to Avoid
You Don’t See Enough of Your Partner
It’s so easy to get absorbed in the daily details of living and working that you forget to appreciate the life you’ve built together. Make regular dates with your partner to enjoy each other’s company and remember the joy of the relationship, regardless of what else is going on in your lives.
You Lose Control of the Details of Life
Minor details may seem too trivial to mention. However, they could mean the difference between an empty gas tank or milk carton—or a forgotten child waiting to be picked up at an empty school. Have a family calendar, and keep “To Do” and “To Buy” lists in a central location where everyone can keep them up to date. Make sure everyone knows whose responsibility it is to complete those tasks.
You Feel That Your Partner Isn’t Sharing the Load
Continue to communicate with your partner on both daily needs and long-term career goals. If one of you continually subordinates personal goals in favor of the other, make sure that is acceptable to both of you.
Where to Learn More
Books:
Pappenheim, Harriet and Ginny Graves.
Schneider, Barbara and Linda J. Waite (editors).
Web Sites:
“Dual-Career Marriages: What Makes Them Work?” by Gary L. Wood and Patricia N. Alexander, Council for Relationships: www.councilforrelationships.org/articles/dual-career-marriages_3–8–04.htm
Forbes.com: www.forbes.com
